A New Year and a New Focus – The Evolving Continues
How do I heal and become comfortable being vulnerable sharing and caring with others? By tackling the feelings from the past or present that I know block me from being or doing what I want to do.
So today I choose to blog about the feeling of shame, I want to start this year off with a charge of energy and lean into the vulnerability I feel when I share publicly what some of my thoughts and feelings are.
I have picked the emotion of shame today because I have lived experience with shame and I have learned that the more I tackle these feelings associated with shame and bring them to the light and stay connected and sharing with others, the more I heal, and the feelings of shame dissipate. I have noticed that there are instances where I can become triggered from shameful experiences or childhood memories and then I shut down, I might become angry or feel flushed, embarrassed, or possibly some array of other negative thoughts and feelings. Or I can at various times or situations feel nervous or fearful of what others might say or think about me and this triggers a shame response in me where I feel angered or hurt, I have lived with this response for many years now and I continue to pursue a deeper understanding of what is occurring for me and my emotions.
While teaching the Heal Your Life Workshops and doing individual coaching sessions, I am also growing and healing. My ability to be vulnerable and authentic has also grown. This is how and why I can blog about shame today. I am walking my talk; I learned this when I was sharing with my own coach some of the feelings and reactions I had experienced, and she brought it up to me that “maybe I take another look and see if there is any lingering shame attached to my response”. She mentioned a book titled Daring Greatly by Brené Brown Ph. D., LMSW, and it just so happened I owned it and did not finish reading. It was gifted to me several years ago by a former boss when I decided to take a leap into a job that was completely new for me at that time. It was during this winter holiday and while being on lockdown with this COVID-19 I once again have continued with the reading of this book.
In her book, Brené Brown, explains there is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is associated with the thought “I did something bad” and shame is “I am bad”. What I have learned is that somewhere along the path of my life I internalized layers of shame be it from childhood or other life circumstances. These thoughts of shame “I am bad” lead me to feelings of not being worthy. Brown further explains shame can be also connected to “addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders and bullying”. Hmm, no surprise here that I have lived experience with overcoming addictions and depression.
Now I am aware of my triggered shame responses and when this occurs, I use my learned new behaviours such as “approving of myself and stopping all criticism”. I am reminded that the emotional reactions I have can be common reactions to feelings of shame and I have made a commitment to myself that this is my year to continue to be a shame buster! What I have found exciting is that doing inner work can help to heal the shame. Using the teachings and suggestions of the inner work Louise Hay taught in her lifetime has been a real opportunity to learn to love myself and heal so much of this shame. Learning to do affirmations has helped me to create new positive neural pathways in my brain and has increased thought processes that support the likelihood of feelings of self-love and self acceptance.
I am no different than most people and at the beginning of a new year, I too think of what some of my goals and focus will be. This is my year for becoming a shame buster and learning to let myself be real and vulnerable in the connections and experiences I have in my life. I am free to be me! I am free and happy to be my authentic self when I teach and coach!
It has been through my commitment to pursuing a deeper sense of self-awareness, self-love and letting go of past experiences or old stories that no longer serve me; I am feeling free to use my voice and true self and personality to really enjoy my life and the goals I find interesting or exciting.
I am willing to let go of this toxic shame as it arises and as Brené Brown teaches, I am willing to become “Shame Resilient”.
An aspect of becoming shame resilient is to have self-compassion and empathy for myself and others when they share their story. Shame cannot continue to live when we share our stories with one another and stay connected. Shame is a “social wound” therefore when experiences and stories have been brought to the light in safe spaces with other trusted persons, the shame loses its grip.
Brené discusses 4 steps that can lead to and support healing:
Recognizing shame and understanding its triggers (Do you now when you are in its grip?)
Practicing Critical Awareness (What is happening this is causing or the force behind the shame?)
Reaching out (Who can you be real with to share your story?)
Speaking shame (Are you talking with someone about how you feel and asking for what you need when you are feeling this shame?)
What I know for sure is that the more I practice being a shame buster and practice the commitment to self-love and self-compassion I am stronger, more content and I have the strength and courage to continue to pursue goals I want to achieve on my journey! I believe life is an AND not an either/or!
I can work on my own shame resilience AND I can use my skills, gifts, and abilities to teach the Heal Your Life Workshops and support those I coach on their personal journeys.
I am so excited for this new year and the continuation of teaching the Heal Your Life Workshops and coaching over Zoom.
